Once more, with feeling!

Welcome to my re-vamped blog. Well, not so much re-vamped as, I messed around with fonts and coloring while I should have been working on Patron Saint, which I intend to submit to a festival here in Portland later this month.

Speaking of, that's why I'm attempting to re-energize this blog and make it something productive. I'll probably do some more movie reviews -- you know, because I have such a huge following and all that jazz -- and will also be using it to post excerpts of what I'm working on, partly to get some feedback, mainly just to overshare. It's what we all do on the net these days, right?

And, if any agent-type person or curious theatrical producer stumbles upon my goofy site, gets past the fact that I sat through all of "Glitter" and documented it, too, and is intrigued by what I post from my plays -- please contact me, or pass it on to someone who might be interested. I left New York at rather an inopportune time, career-wise, though I remain convinced that moving to Portland was the best decision in the long run.

Here's the opening monologue from the previously mentioned play, Patron Saint, that I've been working on for a few years now, taken an inappropriate hiatus from, and am now picking back up again. As per usual, it's a darkly comedic drama that will likely run 90 minutes without intermission, give or take. Two females and one male, all in their late teens. Some "strong language" because, well, if you're reading this, you've probably met me. Here's the tagline Joanne helped me come up with about two years ago, just before the first reading:

"1998. Outside Seattle. Grunge is dead. Disney is gay. The kids are armed."

Fall, 1998. SYDNEY, 16, sits cross-legged, smoking.

SYDNEY

They’re saying she’s a martyr. Which is so not fair. To the real ones, I mean. “Holy Warriors.” Saints. You have to be crucified, or burned at the stake, or buried alive, or—you get the idea. You have to know what you're getting into. Nobody would even know who this girl was if she’d stayed home sick that day. You can't be a martyr by accident.

The papers say the shooting started at ten o’clock, exactly. Everyone started screaming and running, looking for places to hide, doors to lock behind them. By 10:28, thirteen people were dead. One of the boys went into a classroom, and the girl was under a desk. He asked her if she was a Christian. She said yes.

I mean, that’s what everybody’s saying.

I just think that if I were Joan of Arc, I’d be so offended. Joan of Arc led an army in revolt on her summer vacation. This girl is completely boring except for getting shot in the face. I know that sounds super-harsh, but she was just like all the rest of the girls who have long straight hair and go to youth group and not much else. She’s boring. She listened to, like, Creed. That’s a fact. They found the CD in her car.

And I don’t think anybody should die for that stuff. At all. But the real martyrs should get some respect. They saw it coming. They could have changed their minds. They didn’t. And then they were the decorative lighting at Emperor Nero’s garden parties. You have to be special if you know that’s coming and you don’t change your mind. All this girl did was go to school and answer a question. Split second. Pain over. How can you be a martyr if you’re not even special?

The Bachelor: Old Tesatment Persia (pt. 1)

The Book of Esther: because sometimes, you're tired of Netflix.

In verses 1 - 3 of chapter one, King Xerxes, ruler of Persia, is in charge of lots of things. He throws a house party.

In verse 4, he shows off by partying for 180 days! King Xerxes is like Oprah.

In verse 5, he gives week-long encore.

In verse 6-8, both the decor and refreshments are crunk.

In verse 9, Queen Vashti, wife of Xerxes, gives a party for the ladies. Her party only gets one verse and Xerxes' has had eight already. Vashti's party is significantly less crunk.

In verse 10, the king is "In high spirits from the wine." (Stupid drunk.)

In verse 11, the king commands seven royal eunuchs to "bring before him Queen Vashti, wearing her royal crown, in order to display her beauty to the people and nobles." (Commands seven guys without penises to go get the queen and make her either belly dance or prance around naked in front of an assembly hall of drunk men who've been binge eating and banging concubines all week. It depends on the translation and interpretation and I may have googled this.)

In verse 12, Vashti has had it and is TELLING YOU SHE IS NOT GOING. Oh, no, no no way...

In verses 13 -15, Xerxes asks some other guys what he should to about his wife's insubordination. They tell him to smack his bitch up. Only not really. But kind of.

In verses 16 - 18, someone named Memucan says that Vashti has done the entire country a disservice. That's right. Ladies, you need to seriously think about who you're disservicing when you refuse to give in to your drunk husband's frat boy whims.

Memucan says Vashti needs to get hers, and publicly, or else there will "be no end of disrespect and discord," because ordering your wife to go all Girls Gone Wild in front of your party guests is respectful. I might not be on my way to making an I Heart Xerxes shirt.

In verses 19 - 20, the great plan is for Xerxes to divorce Vashti and either banish or behead her, depending on what you're reading. Xerxes makes people go to everybody's house, in the whole entire kingdom, and read this proclamation in whatever that house's first language is. He is going to kind of a lot of trouble to assert his masculinity. He is doing this because it is very important to LEARN THEM WOMENFOLK A LESSON.

Next time: the most dramatic rose ceremony ever and King Xerxes totally doesn't have syphilis!

"A Cinderella Story"

I only saw this in the theatre because I was staying with Katt and we took her cousin. I swear.

Fairy-tale lettering for the title. Zoom in on a castle. Snow is falling. I bet this is a snow-globe. Yep. We see a small happy girl who looks nothing like Hilary Duff. Standard Cinderella beginning. Jennifer Coolidge is the Evil Stepmother. Yay, Jennifer Coolidge.

Non-Hilary's father is reading her a bedtime story. I've actually written, "Princes go to Princeton" in my notes. Don't worry. All will be revealed. Earthquake. Non-Hilary's father goes to, I don't know, stop the earthquake? Non-Hilary screams "No." He does anyway. Dies. Snow globe falls and shatters in slow motion.

Flash forward. Awesome Jennifer and her two daughters take over and force Not Hilary into the attic as some faux Goo Goo Dolls song plays. In my notes I've scribbled "Who's house looks like that?" But since this is a Hilary Duff movie, I'm not sure what kind of onslaught of realism I'd prepared myself for, or why.

Eight years later and Not Hilary has morphed into the familiar personage who simpers at us from every magazine cover these days. Awesome Jennifer has redecorated the house. Lots of flamingoes. Nicely done. Over an intercom, she barks at Hilary to get breakfast ready. Her daughters are in the pool doing some kind of synchronized swimming. Awesome says, "Droughts are for poor people." Heh. Hilary runs and we listen to the first of several of her dreadful songs featured on the soundtrack.

I should mention that her dad owned this restaurant and it was great and laid-back or something, but now it has been redecorated and re-named Fiona's (for that is the name of Awesome.) Hilary dejectedly cleans the dishes. This Token Person of Alternative Ethninticity is supposed to be her Fairy Godmother, and she instructs Hilary to go to school. She swings by to pick up her weird little friend, who inspired me to write METHOD ACTOR in my notes. Just like that, too.

I just saw a random Goth kid for, like, a minute. Anyway. The Popular Kids take Hilary's parking spot. Hilary's friend is now this weird mix of ghetto and Harry Potter. Chad Michael Murray gets out of the Popular Car in slow motion. A) Hell if I'm spelling out his entire name, every time. B) Can we declare a slow-motion day, sometime?

People are mean to Hilary because she works at a diner. At what high school are people that horrible to you because you work? I mean, maybe it's different in Los Angeles, but while I've seen a lot of ridiculous prejudices on the part of adolescents, having a job was never a cause for disdain from peers. That's what headgear is for.

A Star Wars freak is in love with Hilary. She gets a text message and we find out that shes been texting some guy for a while and they have a connection. She explains what LOL means and I wonder if I would actually be more miserable if I emptied my soft drink onto my head. Hilary and Mystery Guy go to computers and IM each other. And it's totally The Chad, by the way, so deal with my Amazing Plot Revelations. Oh, whiny baby wants to be a writer but his daddy won't let him. They met in a Princeton chatroom. Prince, Princeton. The Chad sends Hilary some quotes that cause her to have a literature-gasm, and they agree to meet at The Dance. There's always a Dance.

Awesome calls Hilary to tell her to pick up the dry cleaning and some salmon. We find out that The Chad's father has this life plan for him and blah blah blah. I liked The Chad better in "Freaky Friday" when he had long hair and the good sense to hit on Jamie Lee Curtis. Oh, man. Jamie Lee.

Awesome tells Hilary that she isn't very pretty or smart. In the context of the movie we're supposed to disagree. Rhodes Scholar wants to go to The Dance and Awesome has a problem with it. At the diner, Hilary is waiting on a table full of her snotty peers. We get the clip from the trailers about water being low-cal. Some kid says peeps. The Chad breaks up with his obnoxious girlfriend. Everyone leaves and The Chad kind of lingers behind and he and Hilary make googly eyes at each other.

She's not supposed to go to the dance because Awesome said not to, but then the Token Person of Alternative Ethninticity is all "You're going" and her weird little method actor friend is dressed as Zorro and I don't know. They try to go and find her a costume but they're all horrible. Then Token Person Of is all "Oh, put on this wedding dress that's just lying around". She does.

At The Dance, that sort of Goth kid from before--a girl with purple hair--is the emcee. Teenage Party Craziness. Break it down. The stepsisters--they must not have been very important in this movie if I didn't even bother to note what they've been doing so far--are dressed as Siamese Cats. The Chad is dressed as Prince Charming.

Hilary comes down the stairs in The Wedding Dress that Ate Orange County and everyone stares like the half-mask she's wearing so thoroughly hides the fact that it's Lizzie McGuire. That's some rack, there, Hilary. The Chad is wearing the Puffy Shirt from Seinfeld.

There's some dumb secondary plot business where Hilary's friend fends off some guys that are bothering The Chad's Obnoxious Ex and she decides to love him for two seconds. The Chad and Hilary go to this gazebo. They dance to music from this quartet that's practicing on the lawn. Okay. Then that one song by Edwin McLame starts playing, and I swear the chorus has something about love supersize or love suicide and I have seen pictures of the dude and he shouldn't be singing love songs because he's greasy. He and Meatloaf are the same person. I know that's mean. But google him.

Stupid banter. "Maybe you were looking but you weren't really seeing." The Chad goes to make out with Hilary or take off her mask or whatever, but then her pager goes off so she runs and gets her friend, who's been making out with the Obnoxious Girlfriend, and she has to get back to the diner, so they run away and Hilary leaves her cell phone in place of a glass slipper. K

Awesome Jennifer picks up her lame daughters, who's adventures I've once again neglected to document, and there's some thing where they see Hilary but then they don't see her, and she HAS to beat evil family back to the diner, so her friend drives 38 in a 35 zone or something and the movie is all "Oh, you animal." She somehow beats her family back to the diner but then this really large sign falls on her friend's car.

Then, at school, there are signs saying "Have you seen Cinderella?" all over the place. People walk past each other in slow motion. Again with the slow motion, I'm telling you guys, this could really take off. Maybe we could incorporate it into some kind of fundraiser?

Hilary hits her head on a locker. Her friend goes to the pool to tell Obnoxious Girlfriend who she made out with at the dance. She's horrified and tells him off and splashes him.The Chad's friends organize some sort of contest to figure out who the mystery girl is.

At Hilary's house, Awesome Jennifer takes the congratulations letter from Princeton that just arrived and replaces it with one saying that Hilary didn't get accepted. Hilary's stepsisters get her to leave her room. They mess around on her computer and figure out that she and The Chad have been talking to each other. Oh, and not that I mentioned it before but obviously Hilary now knows who her online dreamboat is but she's afraid he won't like her if he figures out who it is. Which he hasn't yet. Because he's stupid.

The Chad finds out that he also got accepted to Princeton. His dad isn't thrilled. The stepsisters go to the car wash where The Chad works and try to convince him that they are Cinderella. He doesn't buy it. The Chad comes into the diner and bonds with Hilary until Awesome Jen interrupts. The Chad, instead of saying he needs to leave, says he has to bounce. How NorCal of him.

The stepsisters go to the cheerleaders and reveal the identity of Cinderella. Apparently everyone calls Hilary "Diner Girl", the innovation of which just about knocks me on my ass. There's some pep rally where they make fun of Hilary and the Evil Girlfriend seems really upset and confused that The Chad doesn't want her back after this. Hilary runs home and Awesome Jen gives her the fake rejection letter and offers her a cookie. I love Jennifer Coolidge.

Hilary runs upstairs and goes through her keepsake box. She finds the fairy tale book her father used to read to her, and throws it aside and cries. Then there's this montage of both Hilary and The Chad walking around looking mopey. At the diner, something falls off the wall and Hilary gets inspired and says NO to Awesome Jen, and then quits, inspiring everyone else to quit as well and all the customers to leave. Hilary moves in with her Token friend but is still mopey over the lost love of The Chad.

Cut to The Big Game. Hilary marches into the boys' locker room and tells The Chad what's business. Her little method Harry Potter friend looks absolutely adorable and very nicely tries to comfort her. The Chads' father tells him not to screw up The Big Game. Slow motion football sequences. Then it's raining and it's down to the last goal or kick or whatever and everyone is staring at The Chad and then he sees Hilary stand up to leave, and then he chases her through the bleachers and someone in the theatre actually applauds.

Then everyone goes crazy like in the final third of "Titanic." I don't know, it's that specific kind of crazy, which is weird since to my knowledge none of these people are about to drown. Whatever.

Then, Hilary is packing up all of her stuff and finds a will inside of her fairy tale book. then She finds out she got into Princeton after all and then takes back the diner and puts Token in charge of it.

"Believe," says someone, but I don't bother to note who. The Harry Potter friend ends up dating the Goth/punk girl and in the end, The Chad and Hilary go off to Princeton together as some other Hilary song plays over the end credits. Death.

"Swimfan" : Happy Birthday, Carey!

So I come in late. We haven't missed much. Erika Christensen is the new girl in school, getting swimming big shot Jesse Bradford to open her locker. She lends him one of her hairpins and tells him to keep it because he never knows when he might need it.

Sparkling dialogue:
"What's the letter for, Ben Cronin?"
"Swimming, Madison Bell."
"Are you good?"
"Pretty good."

Yeah. So he leaves and she stares after him freakishly. He goes to the hospital where he works and talks to some old man I don't care about, then visits his boring girlfriend at the restaurant where she's a waitress. Boring Girlfriend starts making out with Jesse Bradford and talking about not going to the college she'd originally planned on, so that they can move in together when he gets onto some swim team or another. Jesse Bradford looks pained.

The next day, in the locker room, all the guys are talking about Erika Christensen, who I'm going to call Glenn Close Lite because this movie is supposed to be "Fatal Attraction" for teenagers, because movie executives believe that teenagers are so stupid that they need dumbed-down versions of things in order to understand and enjoy them. Kind of like how "Dangerous Liaisons" was beyond my grasp when I was sixteen. Except not. And except that I kind of like "Cruel Intentions. " 

One of the more annoying lines from the preview--something about hearing that southern accent when she's moaning the name of (Insert Random Asshole) is featured here, and it's kind of awesome because she doesn't have an accent. Even slightly. In any part of the film. Jesse Bradford talks about how her family is in Europe, or something, and she's staying with her grandmother and cousin, that "lame Christopher Dante." The guys jump into the water (shirtlessly) and it's all homoerotic and all the lighting in this movie, just so you know, is blue. Blue pool, blue locker room, blue hallways. It's like they're trying to get something across to us. Couldn't tell you what.

Jesse Bradford drives home from school blaring a Rocking Song and almost runs Glenn Close Lite over because he's busy leering at a girl who reminds him of her. I will say that Erika Christensen is working a nifty beige trench coat here. He insists on giving her a ride home and they stare at each other as he drops her off at her big generically creepy mansion. More sparkling dialogue:

"How's that for service?"
"You're a handy guy to have around, Ben Cronin."
"Yeah. Handy all over the place."

So then Jesse Bradford goes to his house and realizes that Glenn Close Lite left this notebook from Claire's or something, in his car, so he takes it inside, and looks at it, and sees that it's filled with sheet music--because people actually compose music in Claire's notebooks--and hears the music in his head and sees that his initials are written in there. I think it's supposed to be freaky but he just looks like he wants to have sex.

Jesse Bradford calls Glenn Close Lite to tell her he's coming over to give back her lame notebook from Claire's. He changes his clothes and goes over there and Lame Christopher Dante comes to the door and mutters "You don't have to be nice to me" and Glenn Close Lite's disembodied voice says "Christopher, why didn't you tell me I had a visitor?"

And there's just something about her dress, and her hair, and her facial expression that reminds me of that little girl in "The Bad Seed," which would be effective because, you know, psycho killers, except that was a good movie and this isn't. Erika Christensen is doing the Catherine O'Hara's "Less is More" acting, and there are bizarre camera angles, and then she says "I guess I haven't eaten all day," and it's subtle.

He takes her out to eat and she asks him why a nice boy like him knows how to break into strange girls' lockers. He tells her about how he used to partake of drugs, and stealing! Oh man. He says that six months at juvy turned him into a champion swimmer and she looks at him with Eyes of Crazy as he talks about how he escapes his body when he swims. The Eyes of Crazy widen as Glenn Close Lite says--direct quote--

"Yeah, when I play music sometimesI just float up above my body--up above the music where no one can touch me--hurt me--I just--can escape."

Jesse Bradford asks Glenn Close Lite if she wants to escape--um, duh--and she replies "Sometimes, but not right now." He tells her that he has a girlfriend, and that it's serious. So serious that he's going on pseudo-dates? Glenn Close Lite tells him that it's alright, she has a great guy back in New York. Jesse Bradford tells her that he should take her home, and she replies that she probably should, but she's not ready to say good night. He asks what she wants to do and she smiles at him stalkerishly and apparently she wants to watch him swim, because we cut to the Blue Pool where she leers at him, then joins him in the water in this red bra that apparently she was sporting under her white dress, like it wouldn't have been visible from outer space. We're treated to this whole scene that is sexually charged (in theory). Glenn Close Lite tells him that she can't swim and he tows her around the pool by her arms. It might be awesome if she were wearing water wings, but she isn't.

There's some new age-y music that's playing, and Glenn Close Lite pushes Jesse Bradford up against the side of the pool and says "It's okay, I want you to," and so they start going at it and Glenn Close Lite is all "Tell me you love me" and Jesse Bradford is all "What?" and she tells him that he doesn't have to mean it, he just has to say it.

After that happens--and can I just say that's gross, especially if the maintenance staff at that particular pool has the same attitude that I did when I worked at the Y, like, we were supposed to put certain stuff in the pool every hour or so to balance out all the kids who thought we didn't know they were frequently taking a whiz except that I was just really into reading "In Style" and sometimes I just forgot, okay? Uh. So Jesse Bradford drops Glenn Close Lite off and he says "So" and she says "So" and I tell the furniture in my room that I've sneezed more compelling material.

She asks him not to tell anyone about this, asks if they're "still friends," climbs up the steps and stares after him with her Eyes of Crazy. Jesse Bradford's phone rings and he answers it to hear his boring girlfriend say "You are so busted!" Turns out she thought he was going to swing by the restaurant, and he lies about having visited one of his friends. She says, "I left you something," (giggle) "It's in your locker," (giggle) "I hope you like it, I love you, bye," (giggle) and I kind of want her to die, and also, I once dropped out of a play largely because another character referred to mine as "Miss Giggle-Giggle." I hate that word. It's right up there with "panty."

The next day Jesse Bradford finds a mushy card in his locker and some flowers stuck in the handle, assuming that both of them are from Boring Girlfriend. Then he finds his Boring Girlfriend, who sees the flowers and screeches "Are those for me?!" Kill her. At swim practice, Jesse Bradford has flashbacks to yesterday, when he had sex, and his coach yells at him for losing his game.

Insert Party Scene. Boring Girlfriend drags Jesse Bradford into a room, screeching "Meet Madison!" and Glenn Close Lite's Eyes of Crazy bulge as she arranges her face into a smile and says that "Amy just can't stop talking about her perfect boyfriend. Even when I beg her to stop!" And maybe it's just the movie lulling me into a stupor, but I'm starting to like Erika Christensen's "Manic" face. It's funny. Then Glenn Close Lite follows Jesse Bradford into the bathroom. It's a blue bathroom. Just so you know. He splashes water on her face his face and she writhes against the door and says "Is it hot in here, or is it just me?" I swear I didn't make that up. Then there's this fake tension where she tells Jesse Bradford that she thinks she left her panties in the car, except that Boring Girlfriend is on her way to the car, and whatever. I don't know. Jesse Bradford stares at the panties for a while.

Then Jesse Bradford is at his computer. "Swimfan85" pops up. That is some archaic instant messaging, there. Her messages become threatening, sort of. In the blue hallway of his blue high school, Jesse Bradford hides from her, but then he stares at her, and she catches him, and he's not exactly stealth. Jesse Bradford proceeds to swim really badly. Then he goes to his house and Glenn Close Lite is standing in the living room with his mother, who she brought flowers to, happily bubbling about how it's so great to finally meet his mom.

Pregnant pause, and then Jesse Bradford delivers my favorite line of the entire movie: 

"I think you're misunderstanding our relationship in a very fundamental way."

She tells him that they're friends, and friends see each other and are happy when other friends stop by with flowers. He says she's coming on too strong, and she fires back that he didn't think she was coming on too strong in the pool. Oh, snap.

He tells her that it was all a mistake, and then it gets awesome because her eyes go blank and there's this music that is trying to be creepy, and then she gets belligerent, and then there's more dead-eyed staring, and then she's at her house laying on a couch and looking crazy, and Jesse Bradford notices some of his keys are missing but doesn't do anything about it.

At school., Jesse Bradford checks his e-mail and has a bunch of naked pictures from "Swimfan85." Rock. Boring Girlfriend runs up and surprises him and he has trouble turning off the computer. Intense swimming montage. (?)

Glenn Close Lite comes to swim practice and struts around in a pleather skirt and Lucite heels. She makes out with some guy and stares at Jesse Bradford freakishly. Boring Girlfriend tells Jesse Bradford that he's afraid of the future.

Glenn Close Lite corners Jesse Bradford. She tells him not to be jealous, because she pretends her boyfriend is Jesse Bradford! He bellows that he's trying to drop her, and Glenn Close Lite calmly states that he doesn't mean that. She gets another psycho expression and there's weird stabbing music and more strange camera angles even though all that's happening are shots of her face.

Jesse Bradford goes to the hospital. We're treated to an ominous shot of some pills on a tray. He's mean to the old man from before. He sluggishly walks down the hall, and then gets in trouble because someone switched the old man's pills and he's getting blamed. He can't work at the hospital anymore, so he runs up the stairs as angry rock music plays. He finds Glenn Close Lite in the school library, grabs her face, and starts yelling at her. Libraries are good places to yell at stalkers. I always thought so. Jesse Bradford leaves as Glenn Close Lite stares after him and rubs her neck. Blue.

Jesse Bradford goes to Boring Girlfriends' work and tells her that they need to talk. They plan to skip first period the next day and go for a drive. Glenn Close Lite watches all of this sullenly. The next day at school--in the blue hallway--Boring Girlfriend runs up to Jesse Bradford and slaps him. He chases her out the front doors of the school. Really lame music. Jesse Bradford sits on a bench and nastily eats an apple. That's the only way I can think of to describe it. Both Glenn Close Lite and Lame Christopher Dante watch this, she from a window, he from the next table. Jesse Bradford is really angry at that apple!

Cut to Jesse Bradford peeing in a cup. Okay. Cut to a swim meet. Jesse Bradford's mom is there. This movie has a lot of establishing shots of people no one cares about. Glenn Close Lite is also at the swim meet, with her Eyes of Crazy. Then Jesse Bradford gets disqualified because of the traces of whatever in his urine that of course weren't actually there but Glenn Close Lite is stealth, even if she isn't subtle. Jesse Bradford starts trying to get up in other people's grills for no reason.

At home, Jesse Bradford's mom accuses him of Drugs and says he needs to figure out how to get his life back. He decides the first step is to go find his Boring Former Girlfriend at her dinner. It's time for my second favorite line of the movie -- "It's all Madison's fault!" And I can't believe I'm bothering to defend any part of this mess, but if you don't want to deal with what crazy girls are going to do to you after you have sex with them in pools, don't go around having sex with crazy girls in pools to begin with. 

Boring Girlfriend tells Jesse Bradford that he should go. Cut to Glenn Close Lite making out with her boyfriend in a car. His car? Some car. She has to screech "BEN" a few times before he pushes her away and looks disgusted. Nice acting here. Good old "Smell the Fart" method. He gets out of the car and storms off. Glenn Close Lite flings herself halfway out the car window, caterwauling.

"JOSH. GET BACK HERE. COME HERE. JOSH. BEN."

Awesome.

Cut to Jesse Bradford cleaning out his locker. Cut to an ominous shot of a baseball bat. Cut to Jesse Bradford licking his goggles. This fucking movie. Jesse Bradford goes for a dip and runs into the bloody body of the guy who Glenn Close Lite was making out with and yelling with and apparently pretending he was a Nerf ball. Dude. What if there was a movie where people got killed with Nerf bats? Wouldn't that just be the most? I don't know if sustaining head injuries could be the cause of death. Maybe they'd have to be suffocated. I can work on it.

At the funeral, Glenn Close Lite is lurking in the background and dressed like she's in a community production of "Steel Magnolias," like with a hat with an actual veil. She's a little bit strange.

Then there's this intercutting back and forth so we can see what's going on with Jesse Bradford and Glenn Close Lite. Jesse Bradford gets interrogated by the cops. Glenn Close Lite is still working those Eyes of Crazy. Jesse Bradford gets told not to leave town. Glenn Close Lite sits in a parlor, or some crap, playing the cello for some old ladies. Jesse Bradford puts on a leather jacket and breaks into her house. He sorts through her closet and finds medication that presumably she does not take. We keep cutting back to her playing the cello. Her and her bug eyes. Finally, Jesse Bradford finds the Ben Box. It contains his goggles, pictures of him that she's photo shopped herself into, newspaper articles. Downstairs, Glenn Close Lite's eyes bug out farther--which I didn't think possible--like she knows he's in the house. Her cousin--Lame Christopher Dante, remember--appears in the door and politely inquires about Jesse Bradford's breaking and entering.

"If she found you in here, she'd kill you."

"No kidding."

Jesse Bradford hides on the balcony--oh, come on--while Glenn Close Lite comes upstairs and bitches out her cousin for no reason. Jesse Bradford goes to his car and chills in front of the house looking at a box he stole, containing artifacts of Glenn Close Lite's former boyfriend, one "Jake Donnelley." Lame Christopher Dante appears in the window and makes Jesse Bradford drive to what is supposed to be New York but is not New York. Jesse Bradford goes into some hospital-esque living area to find a comatose Jake Donnelly.

Cut to Boring Girlfriend riding her bike as Glenn Close Lite follows inJesse Bradford's car. I guess they took Lame Christopher Dante's ride to New York. Okay. Back at the hospital-esque living area, Jesse Bradford replays Glenn Close Lite saying "Don't worry about me, I've got someone waiting for me in New York." Some woman comes in and mutters "Why you kids don't wear your seatbelts, I don't know. His girlfriend did. Walked away without a scratch."

Glenn Close Lite runs Boring Girlfriend over, and Jesse Bradford talks to his mother on the phone. The police think he did it! Glenn Close Lite is coming! Jesse Bradford looks around the room angrily and grabs the jacket of Comatose Jake Donnelly.

Cut to: interior generic hospital, night. Glenn Close Lite, having obtained a white doctor's coat, walks around glowering. Like no one else notices there's a sullen teenager without authorization wandering around, brandishing a scalpel for any fool to see. The elevator breaks and makes strange noises. Glenn Close Lite stands in the hallway staring at it. A voice comes over the intercom saying "Paging Jake Donnelly." The Eyes of Crazy bulge. Glenn Close Lite catches sight of someone wearing Coma Boy's jacket and chases him to a parking garage or something. It turns out to be Lame Christopher Dante, who she tries to stab with the scalpel that she was in no way trying to hide. Jesse Bradford appears and tries to take the scalpel away.

"Don't be mad! I did it for us!"

Jesse Bradford acts like he's going to stab her, but she tells him he doesn't have the balls.

Lame Christopher Dante appears with a video camera. The police enter the scene and take her away. The car pauses at a rail road track, where she manages to get out of her handcuffs and stare at the officers with her crazy buggy eyes. One of the officers becomes disconcerted and spills his drink. So for anyone who isn't sure, the implication is that this dim bulb is capable of hijacking a police car.

Boring Girlfriend is staying at Jesse Bradford's house, becausethat makes sense. They make googly eyes at each other and he says a lot of mushy stupid crap to her and she doesn't seem mad about the banging crazy girls in swimming pools, at all. Probably just her meds.

Doorbell. No one there! Jesse Bradford stares out the front door at the empty police car parked across the street, and ponders the scene dumbly before getting clubbed on the back of the head. When he wakes up, he finds his mother unconscious in the kitchen. Boring Girlfriend is gone, so instead of seeing what he can do for his mother, he gets into his truck and drives around crazily. He gets a text from Glenn Close Lite reading "Feel like a dip?" Because she's an idiot. So he goes to the pool to find Glenn Close Lite, who has tied Boring Girlfriend to a chair and is threatening to dump her in the pool. She sees Jesse Bradford enter and bellows "She doesn't love you like I do!"

And it's not Bad Movie Heaven, like any of the dream sequences in "Grease 2," but for a few minutes it's close, as Glenn Close Lite pushes Boring Girlfriend into the pool. Jesse Bradford dives in to save her and Glenn Close Lite picks up a pool cleaner and starts hitting the water with it, trying to clock Jesse Bradford whenever he comes up for air. Tension, tension

What could Jesse Bradford have in his pocket? Could it be the hairpin from the beginning of the movie? It is! He never washes his pants, ever! Jesse Bradford uses the hairpin to set Boring Girlfriend free. Glenn Close Lite falls in the pool and starts splashing around. Jesse Bradford revives Boring Girlfriend as Glenn Close Lite drowns, and I think we're supposed to feel empathy for someone here, but since the only person I'm feeling sorry for at this point is myself, so somehow I probably escaped being in the target demographic for this movie.

Epilogue. Swim meet. Jesse Bradford watches. Jesse Bradford walks, ponderously. Jesse Bradford gets in his car. Boring Girlfriend is there, I suppose having had nothing better to do. Jesse Bradford kisses her hand. The end.

"Down to You"

We open with Freddie Prinze Jr. in a coffee shop, leering at a nearby couple and speaking directly into a camera. Fred reminisces about Cool Drive. I don't know. Yuck. It's a flashback movie. Cut to Freddie and his friends talking about how one of them, who looks like Ben Affleck only even more ghetto,  is in a porno. No, Hothouse is not a euphemism for sex. I say so. They bet some guy he can bone this freshman girl. It turns out to be Julia Stiles. Fred goes to talk to her and they bond over Pasty Cline, Billie Holliday, and Joni Mitchell. 

Julia says Friction. She's thinking about sex, you can tell. Freddie makes fun of her name. They are white dancers. Some guy--crap, it's Kutcher--gives her a shot. Ashton is wearing some weird outfit. Hes supposed to look like Jim Morrison. "From the Doors," supplies a character helpfully. As opposed to Jim Morrison from The Carpenters. I love that duet he did with John Lennon from The Beegees. 

Freddie tells Julia that his father runs a cooking show. Freddie wants to be a chef, apparently. Julia's Lack of Acting Abilities invite Freddie to come over and listen to music. She hugs him and leaves. 

Then, Selma Blair--yes! Secret Society all the way--comes in and hits on Freddie, because the plot requires her too. She's a porn star named Cyrus. Then she sits down with Jim Morrison. You know, of the music group Wham! Freddie walks around later, holding a porn video. He tries to hide it as Julia comes running up to him, mounts him, and says, "You're the cutest one in New York." Then, we see her talking to the camera. She says she got an Incredible Rush when she hugged him. As did I. It was my dinner, resurfacing. She wanted to be free, she says, but had to throw away all the rules. What? 

City, daylight. Freddie and Ghetto Affleck walk in the park, see old people making out, and decide they don't need love. Heh. Freddie goes to see Julia. She has a single room. Jazz hands for the single rooms! She has a lot of cake in her room. And no, that's not a euphemism for anything. "Cake is my world, she says." Freddie admires Julia's art. Naturally, she wants to be an artist, but they discover that originally they both wanted to be singer-songwriters. Like everyone else in the world. Get in line. Now, she just paints herself into album covers. 

"So can I psychoanalyze you?" she asks, completely out of nowhere. Right, this is just like college. Also, her room is a penthouse. Freddie talks about food and gets all intense. Then there's this sequence where they have flashbacks to childhood only, like, they're suddenly in each other's flashbacks. Don't call her Doctor.

They have Indian food and voice over action tells us that they loved it. "His passion for food was adorable," says Julia. AAAACK horrible teeth. I wonder what on earth she's doing with her massive paychecks that there's nothing left over for even a retainer. I have bad teeth, but I also have a lot of student loans. 

They have their first kiss. She says: "That kiss belongs in a box so I can show my grandkids someday."  They make out. He goes into the bathroom and sniffs her shampoo. This actually comes into play later.

Julia goes to his house and they very logically decide that if youve been together for two and a half weeks, you need a song. Then, they're in the rec room at the campus. Julia macks on Freddie and lip syncs to some random soul song. Everyone stares and Freddie is embarrassed. Only after Julia's been White-Girl-Shuffling for a good three and a half minutes, does she notice that everyone is watching. Voice Over tells us that maybe Freddie just needed to loosen up. 

Julia paints Freddie dressed as a pirate, which disturbs me, not that I know why. Then she's in the audience of his father's cooking show. His dad is all obsessed with this eggplant. He makes Freddie grope the eggplant. 

On his birthday, Freddie goes to an art gallery and finds a note with a bunch of lame instructions. When the lights come on, Freddie sees Julia in front of him and gets very excited about her Bohemian Grandma outfit. I don't know, maybe it's a fetish. Ew! I just grossed myself out. She shows him a bunch of pictures and bares her soul. She talks about art and how it makes her feel alive. In my movies, people will only conceal their souls and talk about how art makes them feel dead. 

Freddie, for what it's worth, stares at Julia's neck and says it makes him feel alive. I just threw up in my mouth. What's awesome is that while I was watching this with Simone, she was cutting material to make a sort of death shroud for a character in the play that was being performed at our undergrad (...I wrote it...) and she looked at the screen and pointed excitedly at Julia's outfit and said "That's what the death shroud needs to look like!" 

Freddie says it's the best birthday that hes ever had.  Freddie is on drugs. Then theyre upstairs...on...the roof...dancing to music in their heads. Then Freddie says, "I'm falling in love with you," even worse than Luke Wilson or, like, Nic Cage could say it. " I love you" is the cue to go have sex. 

And. The dialogue. Because. 

Fred: What about foreplay? 
Julia: We've had foreplay for three months. Relax. 
Fred: Oh, oh, oh, WOW... It will never be that fast again, I promise. 

Then there's voice over talking about how Freddie more than made up for it later. Freddie talks about how when she wanted It, yes, It, in the morning, she'd do the cutest thing. Which, rather than balancing a sausage on the end of her nose, turns out to be just scratching his stomach. Right, adorable. And they don't kiss in the morning, because morning breath is a killer. And toothpaste is off limits until noon. Idiots. 

Then we find out that she's going to France over the summer, but he seems to think they'll be able to handle a three-month separation just fine. They hang out with Ghetto Affleck, who says that love is a hoax, provoked by chemical reactions.  Freddie waxes retarded about his grand ideas on love, and Ghetto Affleck says, " Prove this love. You speak of it's power, you must show us."  They're sitting around having drinks and sushi. In the background, some chick is sitting there with her mouth just hanging open, but she has no lines. Awesome. 

Ghetto Affleck makes Freddie drink two liquids and decide which one represents love and which one represents illusion. One is good and the other is bitter, so Freddie chooses the one that tastes good and Ghetto Affleck says he lost. Why do I think he'd have said that no matter which one Freddie picked? And also, why does he get to make the rules? Anyway, because Freddie lost the bet, he has to be an extra in Ghetto Affleck's next porno. 

 Julia and Fred fight about something and act stupid. Freddie is at the movie shoot, but then this song starts playing and he runs down the street while tearing off his clothes, climbs into Julia's window, and starts humping her. She doesn't seem to have a problem with it. 

Then, Freddie is back in the caf, giving it to us straight. He has to run some errands, so he throws a paper airplane, which in an awesome (not) shot, turns into Julia's plane, landing.  He welcomes her back into the apartment. The non-porno roommate is working out, and has a mullet. (!) Julia and Freddie eat the Cake of Symbolism, and then start a stupid argument about kissing with their eyes open. 

Cut to Julia talking directly to the camera in her office or something. She tells us how she freaks out about being married. In a flashback, she smokes weed with her roommate. No reason. 

Cut to Freddie's father telling him that they need to do a father-son cooking show, "Cooks," like "Cops," where they storm people's houses and make them dinner. Theres actually footage showing this, and I have to say it's kind of hilarious, especially the guy in black running around yelling "Bread! Bread! Bread!" 

Freddie is in his apartment watching Secret Society in a porno. His roommate is doing some kind of karate. None of this has any point. Freddie takes everyone out to the country for a picnic. Secret Society hits on him. They get drunk, climb into Freddie's car, and crash it. 

Freddie walks around with Ghetto Affleck and talks about how great it's going with Julia. He starts talking about the tingles. I dont want to hear about your tingles, Freddie. He and Julia go to bed. She's too tired to have sex and is annoyed that people outside the window are being loud.  Freddie turns on the television and hallucinates that he, Julia, and Secret Society are on one of those Mexican soap operas. Freddie hallucinates that Adam Carolla and Jimmy Kimmel are making fun of him. He doesnt feel particularly masculine. I wonder why. 

Julia, in turn, hallucinates that she and Freddie have a baby and she has to walk around with it and take care of it while Freddie wears a pom-pom hat and plays checkers. 

The next morning, Freddie finds Julia crouched in the bathtub, as you do. She has a pregnancy scare, then turns out not to be pregnant.  They go to some party with porn stars as that Vitamin C song plays. In my notes  I've written, "Nipple piercing exclamation point." It's more meaningful that way. Some stupid crap happens. Jim Morrison of Wilson Phillips makes another appearance. Secret Society sluttily tells Freddie to make her pancakes. What? Freddie and Julia get in a pointless fight and call each other some names. She storms out and Freddie punches this stuffed gorilla that his roommate has been making out with. The next day they break up because Julia had random sex with Asston Kutcher. 

Then Freddie has a frying pan.  He talks about how Julia moved away to San Francisco. His porn friend won't give him any advice, so he drinks Julia's shampoo. Okay, so maybe a few things happen in between, but they aren't important. Like, we learn that Freddie has named a spider named Owen and then the camera lingers on Freddies crotch for no reason, but that's pretty much it. And he's depressed, so he drinks Julia's shampoo. 

He almost dies and wakes up in the hospital, so his family has this welcome home party for him. Is it just me or would that be a little overwhelming for someone who just tried to commit suicide? It's stupid and his porn friend says many stupid things and then suddenly, like magic--lame ass magic from the ninety-nine cent store--Julia is there. They go for a walk and I love that she came back to him because she heard he tried to kill himself by drinking her hair care products. Paranoid android that I am, I'd probably run screaming in the opposite direction, but that could be why I'm barren and unmarried at the ripe old age of 23. Point Loma Naz U, you've failed. Failed! 

She tells him that he's her vice, which is so thoroughly awesome and healthy and what not. And then she gives him a book. Which has the fucking picture from the cover of this movie on it. And then she scratches his stomach and I take one of Simone's needles and gouge my eyes out. In the end, they move in together in S.F. and dance around to Al Green music looking as white as they possibly can.

"Titanic"

Opening. Sepia-toned footage of people on a boat, waving. Water. Foreshadowing?

Now there are some guys in a submarine, namely Bill Paxton. He's is on a mission to steal things from the most famous underwater mass grave of all time.  Bill Paxton is so random in this movie. He says all his lines like that guy who sings the "Lullaby" song. We never see him breathe. He must wait until the camera isn't on him. Maybe it's his way of being method.

Bill Paxton describes their mission in a monotone wheeze. One of his sidekicks might be Michael Moore.

 

They're looking for a certain piece of jewelry, but instead they find naked pictures of Kate Winslet. No one is excited. Bill Paxton goes to his room and sulks. After careful consideration, he decides that naked pictures are a terrible thing to waste, even if they really look nothing whatsoever like Kate Winslet. He notices that the girl in the picture is wearing the very piece of cheap costume jewelry he's been coveting. He talks about it on the news, where he informs the viewing public that "The Titanic is the Mount Everest of shipwrecks."

 

Cut to a living room, where Gloria Stuart is sculpting something and watching TV. She's over one hundred years old, but doesn't really look it. On the television screen, we see Bill Paxton talking about how stealing things from places where lots of people died isn't disrespectful in the slightest. He flashes the picture and tells America that it would be a shame old waterlogged naked pictures remained under water for all eternity. Gloria Stuart mutters a profanity. Me, too. 

 

 

Old Rose—I'm assuming everyone has seen this movie and knows exactly who is who and why they're doing what they're doing and is only reading this to see if I can work some of my trademark random references to eighties pop culture in—and her granddaughter arrive on the boat. Old Rose has brought her goldfish. Bill Paxton makes sex eyes at the Old Rose's granddaughter, who I think is named Susie.He goes to see how Old Rose is doing and says "CanIgetyouanythingisthereanythingyoulike?" Not only does he not ever inhale, he just doesn't pause.

Is Old Rose "Ready to go Back to Titanic?" Why, yes. Yes, she is. 

"Titanic was called the ship of dreams...and it was. It really was." 

Flashback to 1914. We pan past all the many, many peasants on their way to death. Oh, there's poor little doomed Cora. Hi, Cora. Cut to obnoxious rich people getting out of their car. Kate Winslet, wearing an enormous hat, gets out first. From the picture that looks nothing like her, we know that this is Rose at age seventeen. Kate Winslet is so cool, you guys...just maybe not in this movie.

 

Rose sniffs. She says the Titanic doesn't look that much bigger than the Mauritania. Someone needs an attitude adjustment. Maybe she'll get one. Maybe that retarded kid from "What's Eating Gilbert Grape?" is the one to give it to her. 

 

Role call! Sullen Rose! Billy Zane of the Platypus Lips! Frances Fisher of...I don't know, really. She's the mother of some of Eastwood's kids. I don't really have a problem with her. Scary Platypus Man pouts at Rose and says, "God himSELF could not SINK this SHIP." We can tell he has a stick up his ass. Man, if only that kid from "Gilbert Grape" were here to straighten things out.

 

Cut to a pub. Yes! It's him! It's really him! Burger Barn all the way! Leo and his friend who I'm just going to call Febreeze because it doesn't sound any stupider than his completely stupid "Italian" name that James Cameron assigned him, win tickets for the maiden voyage of R.M.S. Titanic. "I'm going home!" screams Leo. Are you ever.

 

On board, we apparently need subtitles to tell us that a Swedish guy asks Leo "Where's Sven?" Kate Winslet stares blankly at several Picassos and says they're "Like being in a dream or something." Or something, indeed. 

 

The last major character to enter is Molly Brown. Rose's mom calls her "new money." History calls her "unsinkable." It's Kathy Bates. She is pretty awesome. 

 

The Lone Ranger and Tonto stand on the front of the boat, orgasm over the existence of dolphins, and declare themselves Kings of the World. Meanwhile, the rich people are having lunch. One of them is Victor Garber. Go, Spy Daddy! Kate Winslet lights up a smoke and gets bent out of shape when Scary Platypus Man yanks it out of her mouth. 

 Some guy talks about how great it is that the Titanic is so large. Rose makes a penis envy comment. She gets upset and goes outside. She multi tasks by sulking and at the same time making sex eyes at Leo, who looks like he's twelve. 

 

At dinner that night, Rose sits there being all mopey and not fun, before rocketing out of her seat and running to the back of the boat. Yeah, we get some blah blah voice over about how people are controlling her life, but she's done nothing so far except whine and wear clashing colors, so I'm not offering up a lot of sympathy. 

Kate Winslet's tatoo on her back is completely visible. She climbs over the railing very carefully. When you're about to commit suicide, you want to make sure you don't fall or anything. Leo appears so that they can flirt. That's a really good idea, hitting on people who are seriously considering ending their own lives. Maybe after I'm done writing this I'll go see if any hot guys are feeling overcome by that sense of desperation, out at the Coronado Bridge. 

Leo tells Kate that "really cold water—like right down there" isn't going to feel very good. He says it like a pre-school teacher, which is kind of awesome. He talks her out of jumping, so naturally she nearly falls in. He saves her. People hear her scream and come running. They think he's a sexual predator. Rose clears his name and he gets invited to dinner with them.  How is that a reward?

 

Oh, and Scary Platypus Man says "Rose is displeased...what to dooo?" It's the single oddest pronunciation I've ever heard. .

 

Later, Scary Platypus Man goes to Rose's room and propositions her with the crappy costume jewelry that he got at a kiosk in the Kings Mall. Rose, to her credit, looks like she's about to puke. I don't blame her. It's hideous. He's dressed like a hick for no reason. Kate Winslet stares blankly. That happens a lot, in case anyone wasn't sure.

 

The next day, Rose goes to find Jack so that she can thank him for not telling everyone she's a basket case. One or two bonus points for her sudden use of the word "inertia." 

 

Cut to Rose's mother and her friends having tea and talking about how the purpose of "university" is to find a husband. Whoa. And this would have taken place a while before Point Loma Nazarene University (my alma mater) even existed!

 

Kate and Leo look into each other's eyes. The music swells. They watch the sun set, talk about puking, and proceed to hock loogies. Young love. 

 

Kathy Bates helps Sk8ter Boi dress for dinner. "You shine up like a new penny," she tells him. 

 

At dinner that night, Kate Winslet wears an awesome dress. Leo's passing himself off as a gentleman easily enough, but Rose's mother tells everyone that he's just a poor boy, from a poor family, but is unwilling to spare him his life and his monstrosity. He enchants everyone by blathering with his mouth full. See, even though he's in fancy clothes, he's still Leo from the Block.  

 

And just how slick is he? I'll tell you. When he's leaving he slips her this note that says, "Make it count," telling her to meet him by the clock. Because that's how things are done in the seventh grade, after all.   He takes Kate downstairs to the raging kegger, already in progress. Those steerage parties are legend. It's like "Riverdance" with beer.

 

Leo dances with Poor Doomed Cora, as Kate sits there nursing a beer and looking like a total dweeb. Actually, she looks like me, my first night in London, but we won't go there. Some drunk guy spills beer on her, but she just laughs it off. She's having the time of her life. "Riverdance" is the new "Dirty Dancing." Leo dances with her and tells her to "Go with it. Don't think."

 

Rose busts out and impromptu jig. I love those. I think my audiences do, too. Kate and Leo spin around, accompanied by "Moulin Rouge" style camera work. She breaks up an arm wrestling match to drink another beer. She's had kind of a lot for a supposed lightweight, hasn't she? I guess her big hangover scene was deleted from the final cut. Probably the only thing that was deleted. Three hours, James Cameron. Kate stands on her toes. People who aren't me pretend to care. The henchman of Scary Platypus Man spies on her.

 

The next morning, she gets yelled at by Scary Platypus Man, and then her mother. Her mom even cries about having to possibly become a seamstress. Oh, god! Not a seamstress! 

 

Leo tries to get into church to see Kate. It doesn't work. Zoom in on Kate as she sings the words "For those in peril on the SEA." 

See what they just did there?

 

Kate's party gets a tour of the boat. She pulls her demure little Nail File of Foreshadowing out of her handbag and yawns that there don't seem to be enough lifeboats. Everyone else is all "Sure, but who needs them?" Leo pulls her aside and with that, ladies and gentlemen, it's time for the Awesome (sic) Speech. 

 

"Rose, you're no picnic...you're a spoiled brat, even. But under that ou're the most amazing girl—woman-- that I've ever known. If you don't break free you're gonna die. Not yet because you're strong, but sooner or later that fire that I love about you—That fire's going to burn out. She interrupts him to tell him that it isn't up to him to save her. He regards her sadly and says, "Only you can do that." And I bet she was thinking that only she could prevent forest fires. 

Kate says that she's marrying Scary Platypus Man and that she loves Scary Platypus Man and then tells him to stick that in his pipe and smoke it. Then she goes inside and watches some people drink tea and freaks out. I don't know. The upshot is that she goes to the front of the boat to make out with Leo as The Song plays, and I totally cried during this part the first three times I saw it in theatres. Sometimes I hate myself.

 

Cut back to the Fun Bunch, in present day. Bill Paxton monotones, "So we're up to the night of the sinking." And not even on the second tape yet. Dammit. "Six hours to go," prompts Bill. Does anyone else think this is James Cameron's way of telling us to get comfortable?

 

Back in the Den of Hot Loving, Kate and Leo stare at paintings and act like they aren't totally about to go at it. They talk about Monet's "use of color." As opposed to the many other things a painter might use, SHUT UP JAMES CAMERON. Leo nervously asks if they can expect Cal back any time soon. Heh. I guess this means he takes his time and does everything right. Knocks her out with one shot for the rest of the night. I miss En Vogue.

 

Kate shows Jack her obnoxious necklace and informs him that she wants him to draw her "Wearing this. Wearing...only this." Bow-chicka-chicka.

 

Jack looks stricken. Like you do at twelve years old. Kate flings her hair around like a  Garnier Nutrisse commercial. Leo sketches Miss Subtlety in the nude. The music of Drawing People Naked swells. 

 

Scary Platypus Man is annoyed when he can't find Kate. He proves that his mind is a steel trap when he snits, "It's a ship. There are only so many places she could be." Well, yeah, it's a boat, but...it's a really, really big boat. I mean, that's kind of the point. Symbolic stirring of...tea? Again, I don't know. Crap editing, because there's a lemon in the tea and then there suddenly isn't.

 

In the Den of Hot Loving, which is actually a misleading name since no actual Hot Loving has taken place quite yet, everyone is fully clothed. No telling how long that will last with this group. Scary Platypus Man's henchman starts chasing Kate and Leo around. The kids run crazily all over the boat, getting in the way of people trying to do important things—like see that the boat keeps moving—and in general causing mayhem. Also, did the hand gesture fondly known as The Finger exist back then? And would a "classy" dame like her really utilize it? Whatever. So anyway, they run into this room with a bunch of stuff in it. 

 

Car sex, naturally. That's always the answer to any problem, even if you're on the Titanic, which is going to hit an iceberg and sink in a few hours. Just have car sex. Flunking science? Car sex. Wanted by the FBI? Car sex. Artistically blocked so that all you can manage to write are crap movie reviews? Car sex. You're welcome!

 

So anyway, Kate really pulls him in there. She takes her car sex very seriously, as you do. I don't get what he's acting all nervous about. He's supposed to be this artistic man-slut with his portfolio of one-legged prostitutes or whatever. They fog up the window and there's the close up of the hand and move it along already. "I'm getting off with you," says Kate in a spectacularly poorly timed edit. She's talking about the boat, but...yeah, anyway.  

 

They get out of the sex car and stand on the deck of the boat, making out. Two officers who are supposed to be looking out for...I don't know... icebergs...stand there watching Kate and Leo instead. 

 

 The boat hits the iceberg and water starts spilling in all over the place. People don't really notice, though, until the water in their glasses starts doing that "Jurassic Park" thing. The boat is flooding. Leo helpfully says, "This is bad." Somehow Kate's ugly costume jewelry necklace gets planted in Leo's pocket. Poor Victor Garber realizes that not only is he still stuck in this terrible movie, but also that there aren't enough life boats and that at least half the people on the ship are going to drown. End of tape one!

Scary Platypus Man finds Kate, drags her into a room, and delivers a strong backhand. It's because she was stupid enough to take her Naked Picture and put it in Scary Platypus Man's safe.  

Victor Garber is still sad because he's still in this movie and the boat is still sinking.

 

Scary Platypus Man, Rose, and their entourage go to the upper deck. Leo gets chained to a pole in a room very far below deck. He looks mildly concerned. Only women and children in the lifeboats, for now. Third class peeps—no love. Sucks to be them. Oh, there's that Irish woman and her adorable doomed children. Really, James Cameron. Below deck, Leo gets punched and realizes he's trapped.

 

On the upper deck, Scary Platypus Man is all menopausal or something, which prompts Kate Winslet to bust out the "acting" big guns as she calls him an unimaginable bastard and hocks a loogie in his face. It's kind of awesome the way everyone is yelling at her. It's like "Get off the shed" only "Get in the boat!" Anyway, she refuses and runs away to go find Leo. She sort of Takes Care of Business when she gets instructions from Victor Garber and yells at the man working the elevator. She wades through corridors—oh, yeah, the boat is flooding, just so everyone knows—and finds him pretty quickly, all things considered. They make out for a while and realize that they key to his handcuffs is nowhere to be found. She goes to look for it and he yells, "I'll just wait here..." It's kind of great, much as it pains me to admit that.

 

It also kind of hurts me to admit that Kate is a bit of a superhero as she runs around frantically, I daresay helter-skelter, punches some guy, breaks glass, grabs an ax, and wades through icy water with it. She totally wouldn't be able to break Leo's handcuffs without, y'know, killing him, but this movie doesn't have time to be realistic, as it's only three hours long.

 

Upstairs, the ship is still sinking. I mean, it's sinking downstairs as well, but you know what I mean. The third class minions are still more or less trapped and on the verge of starting a riot. Scary Platypus Man and his henchman steal things. General mayhem. Kate and Leo are running around being a seemingly efficient team yet not really accomplishing much of anything.

 

By the lifeboats, some guy yells and brandishes a gun.

 

Scary Platypus Man: "It's starting to fall apart." No shit. Kate and Leo find their way to the upper deck and are spotted by the henchman, who tattles to his master. Scary Platypus Man finds them and convinces Kate that he's made a deal for himself and Leo to get into a boat later. Seriously, how dumb is she? She gets into the boat in slow motion—oh, good lord—and the boat is lowered in slow motion, and she and Leo stare at each other in slow motion, and I'm fooling no one because I used to full on bawl during this part, too.  Kate hurtles herself out of the lifeboat and back onto the sinking ship. She and Leo run towards each other, which is sort of a task considering that they're at least three decks apart, and meet in a partially flooded room where they kiss as she cries and he screams "I love you! You're so stupid! You're so stupid Rose! I love you!" They're both queens and I'm sick of them.

 

Scary Platypus Man watches hormonally. His henchman tries to pull him away but then he takes the gun and runs through the ship in slow motion, because that's what this three-hour long suck-fest needs, more slow motion, and starts shooting at Leo and Kate, Matrix-style. You really do have to love this movie in a sick and inappropriate way, just because it's the height of comedy, tragedy, porn, not to mention subtlety, and just when you think the multi-tasking must come to an end, it's an action movie to boot. The upshot is that they escape from Scary Platypus Man by running back into the bowels of the sinking ship. 

 Billy Zane rocks his line delivery of "I hope you enjoy your TIME togETHer," then starts laughing psychotically. His henchman doesn't get "what on EARTH" could be funny. "I put the diamond...in the coat," he chuckles demonically. "AND I PUT THE COAT ON HER!" 

 

Kate and Leo run into some kid standing in a doorway screaming. They try to save him, but his father comes along, picks him up, and runs the wrong way so that he and the kid drown in this huge wave that comes around the corner. That was necessary to the plot. Kate and Leo get pushed along by the rapids. Her dress is entirely scandalous by this time. Then, it's so obvious that we're seeing Kate Winslet's stunt double. How do I know? Kate Winslet is a lot of things. Asian is not one of them.

 

The big wave pushes them up against some locked gate. Some guy on the other side tries to help them get out, but he drops the keys and swims away. Leo opens his eyes in salt water. Ow. They manage to unlock that gate, but have to keep climbing upward, because by this time they're really, really far down. On deck, Scary Platypus's deal falls through. Heh. Some guy shoots one of the unnamed Irish who've provided the fine soundtrack—nice way to thank the people of Ireland, tool—and then shoots himself. Scary Platypus Man grabs a child and pretends she's his daughter to get himself into a boat.

 

Kate and Leo run into Victor Garber, who says, "I'm sorry I couldn't build you a stronger ship, young Rose." That still makes me teary, and I don't care who knows it. Rock on, Victor Garber! 

 

The captain—who's had a few scenes here and there, I just didn't mention them because he wasn't doing anything interesting, like having sex or saying "What to doo," locks himself in that room with the boat steering thing. Sorry, I don't know my nautical terminology but I'm sure you know the scene I'm referring to. The band members, who've been playing on the top deck, disband. Then, the lead guy starts playing a very sad song, and one by one the other members of the band come back to join him. The music continues as we see a montage of Victor Garber alone in the rapidly flooding dining room, turning the clock to twelve; of the Captain, alone as the water rises; of an old couple that you'll only recognize as Mr. and Mrs. Isador Straus if you used to be obsessed with Titanic and read all the historical accounts; and those poor doomed adorable Irish children being told a story by their mother. And it's effective, all of it. The music ends, and the lead guy says,"Gentleman, it's been a privilege playing with you." The water crashes into the room where the captain is, and thus ends the well-done, moving portion of this movie.

 

Crazy mayhem music plays as people run around trying not to drown. The lights flicker, half the boat sticks up into the air, and—wait for it, wait for it—there he is! Propeller Man!  Leo's friend from before is doing okay until this tower falls on him. 

 

Kate and Leo end up clinging to the back of the boat, which is at a complete ninety degree angle to the surface of the water. "This is where we first met!" she exclaims. Not really the time or place, I don't think. Leo gives her instructions about what to do when the ship sinks, and is it just me who thinks she'll have an easier time swimming to the surface if she isn't trying to hold onto his hand? I get that they want to use the buddy system, but...well, whatever. When the ship finally goes down, they inevitably get separated, but find each other at the surface, where he helps her climb onto a piece of floating wreckage. And there's totally room for both of them, but, alas, not for them and lazy writing. So he hangs out in the water next to her and freezes, but not before spitting out such linguistic gems as "You must do me this honor...(sic) promise me you're not going to die here, now...blah blah...something about making lots of babies..."

Leo's nose hairs are completely frozen and prominent and it's funny. Kate realizes that he's not alive, and pries his cold, dead fingers off of her hand and shoves him down into the water while saying "I'll never let go." Kate hangs out for a while on her piece of wreckage and sings for a while. 

 

We see all kinds of bodies floating in the water. One of them looks just like Uncle Fester.

 

Then, we're back to Old Rose, yammering about how there was nothing to do but "Wait to die...wait to live. Wait for an absolution...that would never come." Much like the end of this movie.

 

So you all know about how Kathy Bates wanted the lifeboats to go back earlier but they couldn't because everyone would have swarmed the boats. By the time the boats do go back, they find a few people still alive, one of them being Kate Winslet, who pulls a whistle out of a dead guy's mouth and blows it until she's rescued. The next morning, on the boat that eventually picked all of them up—that would be the Carpathia, and I totally knew that before the movie even came out—Scary Platypus Man, who made it out more or less unscathed, walks around looking for Kate. He doesn't find her because she doesn't exactly want to be found. Not by him, not by her mother. I get that her mother is a stereotypical matronly bitch, but really. Letting your mother think you died when in fact you did not. Bad form, Kate. All she's guilty of is not wanting to be a seamstress.

 

Voice over tells us that Scary Platypus Man shot himself later on. Raise your hand if you care.

 

Finally on American soil, Kate looks through the rain at the Statue of Liberty, tells some guy her name is Rose Dawson—GET IT!? —And discovers that the tacky piece of costume jewelry is still in her pocket!

Blah blah Bill Paxton talks about how he "never got it." Old Rose, who looks and acts nothing like Young Rose, I can forgive the appearance but not the fact that these characters are polar opposites—goes outside barefoot, which is really great, I thought they were in the arctic or something? Anyway, she still has the "diamond." She throws it in the water and makes a dumb noise, goes back inside, and dies. It's more than I accomplished today. Then we travel back through the boat, which becomes un-decrepit right before our eyes, and into a room where the ghosts of those who died on Titanic are standing around applauding us as we journey to the top of the grand staircase, where Leonardo DiCaprio is waiting to make out with us. In case you haven't figured out, we, the viewing audience, have all become Kate Winslet. Because that's what we wanted all along. James Cameron says so. What? Good night.